Brought Destruction (2010)

I am brought to my destruction,

For alas! I’ve lost directions,

Within my heart I’m torn.

Reflections of times I can’t get over,

Torment has forced me here to wander to that Reapers door; and as I knock for death to greet me that Reapers blade it never meets me.

I’ve been saved before!

Heavens grace it grants no favours, when life itself I’ve ceased to savour.

And now I’m here again…lost, alone with no direction…with nowt to own but my destruction.

‘Tis’ death that’ll be my end.

For this wound is sore.

I’ve been saved before, but now I’m brought to my destruction. For alas! I’ve lost direction. Inside my heart is worn.

Believe

It’s not my fault I was born into sin but instead of rising above it instead I sink in…

Believing the lies my demons told me that no one was there or could fix this or love me…

That I was nothing but a empty vessel, the living dead in wait of a funeral,that no matter what I did I’d always be unreachable, unpreachable…forever unredeemable by a God who spared nothing to save his people.

Forgiveness felt far off and despair made a home in the depths of the ocean of a battle torn soul. Convinced by deception of evil…I wanted to die because if I can’t have Christ than who am I?

And I fell to my knees with tears in my eyes as I longed in my heart for something to thrive…

But not long after I felt his love and a light shone within as if from above. And I knew it was heaven, I knew he had heard…because during all this he heard my every word. Nothing explained or complained had to be…because all that I’ve been through he’s already seen.

And in his mercy he made me clean….

Bitter

If bitterness could flow like fire…

How fearful it would be…

It’d come to consume others who lived in my history,

If bitterness could flow like poison…then open my veins and find…this elixir is the liquid which has kept me alive.

This bitterness I try to forgive, excuse, forget…but every hurt that exists in the present is because of it.

Myths of Anorexia (One)

1. Anorexia is a slow suicide

This myth is the one I am often the most angry about, as it is the least true. Anorexia is not started simply because one wishes to die. If one wished to die there are many more efficient and less painful ways to do so…not that I suggest doing that, please don’t it’s not good…my only point here is that Anorexia as the disease itself without the mental disturbances involved with it…is not…I repeat not…a slow attempt at suicide.

However that being said…sufferers of Anorexia do have a higher suicide rate than other mental illnesses. That could be of course due to the depression and the desperation in which the disease brings. Sometimes the truth is, is that the sufferer feels that there is no hope for recovery or a better way of life and so kills themselves to end the continuous cycle of agony which could have gone on for years.

Anorexia as a disease however does not begin with a death wish. It begins with a feeling of low-self esteem and low self worth, mixed with an obsessive compulsive personality which naturally strives for perfection.

Eventually that perfectionist nature will evolve into the demon Anorexia if the obsession is directed towards food and will approach the mind with promises of happiness, fulfillment and joy…none which are present in the life of its victim. Therefore manipulating the person into a false sense of accomplishing something by the act of starvation.

2. Anorexia is a Choice

I don’t know how many times I have heard this said…even by professionals! Whoever still claims such false things should be ashamed….as there is enough evidence both physical and mental and witness accounts to prove again and again it’s untrue.

If I could have chosen any disease on earth, any mental illness….the last one it would be is Anorexia. To live day in and day out with such feelings of discomfort within my own flesh is close to being hell on earth. However by the time one reaches that point the power of the disease has already taken hold. It can only be silenced if you are in an active state of starvation….and while immersed in such behaviour it digs its warped mentality deeper into the psyche…making its own voice stronger while diminishing the voice and weakening the will of its host.

I use the word host because to suffer Anorexia is like fighting another person, it’s a will in battle against another will but the destructive will is foreign….it has invaded the mind of its victim.

Even though I have expressed this in comments in the past on YouTube, it is not believed but I speak the perfect truth…! I cannot express to you how dark a mentality Anorexia can create in the mind and how quickly it’s victim can go down hill once it takes hold. I have succumbed to drinking too much, cutting and searching perverted material online simply due to the horrible state my mind was in. There is nothing Anorexia will not do to its host, it will lie, it will steal, it will manipulate those around it…the logical and moral side of its victim is lost in the haze of the maze it creates.

Soon the person loses touch with reality, as reality has lost it’s lustre and joy, the only feelings left of fulfillment is to starve and to destruct. Anorexia is evil itself. It’s only purpose is to kill.

3. Anorexics are Stupid

The most well versed people on the subject of Anorexia I have ever encountered are those who are Anorexic themselves. Since my channel was created and I shared my story I have had a few people talk to me personally about it. I also have a morbid interest in documentaries and films about eating disorders as I try to get a deeper understanding of the illness. Because alas…I know that even though I understand what sparked my own demise I am not stupid enough to think everyone experiences the same…which is why I want to hear accounts from other people. I wanted to see if there is a common theme between them all. And there is but I’ll only touch on it briefly….

The theme being is that people who suffer Anorexia are highly intelligent and highly sensitive people. Absorbers of not only their emotions but the emotions of others around them. Sometimes such emotions can be stressful, especially if those emotions are negative or abusive. I have come to believe that the feeling of hunger becomes a comfort, and a coping mechanism to those who develop Anorexia. I have not yet ascertained the very reason for this…but I’m sure there is a grain of truth to it.

The last thing an Anorexic is….is stupid. On a logical level…we all know the dangers. We know them by memory, we are walking textbooks on the dangers of the habits we partake in. It has been talked of on Pro-Ana…I have seen it repeatedly, I have even seen people warn away others so that they are not triggered to become worse. We know it is dangerous and we know it will lead to death. The only trouble with Pro-Ana…is that they have accepted a disease that is treatable. They have isolated themselves from the reality that what they are doing is abnormal behaviour due to a psychological condition. Anorexia is nothing to befriend! Anorexia is nothing to accept or allow into ones life. It might come as an unwelcome guest but you never have to accept it.

It will fight you and it will even knock you to your knees but always get back up and dust yourself and fight it again and again until it gives way. Anorexia might not be your choice once it begins in your mind but it is your choice to fight or surrender. Never surrender…..eventually you will win!

4. Anorexia is Painful

Anorexia is painful up to an extent. Again I’m sure this is very individually based so I’ll only talk of my experiences. Anorexia in means of feeling hunger that goes away quite quickly once the person begins to starve. An Anorexic person is physically starving but the irony is the person cannot physically feel it. I never felt hungry as an Anorexic…by instinct I craved food, I even dreamed of food but physically my body was too confused to feel hungry. It must have forgotten what food was?

I only recently discovered that my degree of starvation was not the common Anorexic type of starvation. In fact the degree of starvation I reached has a name….KWASHIORKOR. It’s starvation is when the body is devoid of its resources of protein and is often times seen during famines. The symptoms involved in this type of starvation was what I displayed by the end. My feet had swollen so much that the skin cracked and bled, especially on my right foot. I’m grateful I still have feet, as I’m surprised they never rotted off my body. They were so large I couldn’t get them in or out of my Ugg boots….when I did it was a struggle getting them out again.

My stomach was bloated as my liver had pocketed itself in liquid. This was often painful but not all the time. I had bouts of pain that came and went.

All of these symptoms although extreme didn’t hurt. My feet didn’t hurt in this awful state, in fact I could hardly feel my feet. I felt a bit cut in half though with my liver problems…although it was nothing I couldn’t handle. I’ve felt pain for most of my life, and that pain was relatively mild compared to what I have felt as a healthy person.

It wasn’t painful as it’s shown in movies…you simply become numb and fade away, if I had died I’m sure I would have just gone to sleep and not awoken. It wouldn’t have been a horrific scene.

These symptoms were cured within 24 hours after two blood transfusions and two blood protein transfusions. They gave me those at night time and by morning my feet were near normal. The amazing healing power the Lord created within the body is proof enough to me of his existence.

I think I shall leave out number five as you all know what it says….I hope to continue this conversation.

Confused

There’s much confusion in my heart;

Will it ever end?

Mine soul has tired from labour’s years,

So hard but not well spent…

And now I’m lost to my destruction;

There’s no more open doors.

I wish to lay and sleep forever;

To mend my soul so torn.

Humanity

And we are not humanity for

We’re not humane.

Wars are fought in senseless thought,

As animals we remain.

And death it seems to haunt us and hate

is but I curse.

A moronic thought not banished by those who make things worse.

And we are not humanity for we are not humane.

Wars are fought in senseless thought,

As animals we remain.

Broken Mask

There are things I’ve left unsaid.

They’re not for you to know.

I hide behind this broken mask,

Only pieces of me show.

If I were to all confide, you’d find

Yourself confused.

And be lost inside my trance,

distraught within my muse.

There are things I’ve left unsaid,

They’re not for you to know.

I hide behind this broken mask,

Only pieces of me show.

Remembering The Cross

How often is it that we forget the Cross of Christ? We live our daily lives, we might go to Church and even puff ourselves up by professing that we are Christians. Yet I feel despite our efforts, however genuine they may be, we spend much more time thinking on the things below here on earth than of the things of heaven.

Tell me honestly how much time do you spend with Christ compared to your family and friends? Jesus is your family and your friend, so what makes you neglect him compared to those around you? You might not be able to see him but I assure you he’s closer to you than any earthly mortal ever can be. Tell me, how much time do you meditate on the fact that your friend Jesus has done something for you that no one in your life ever has….which was suffer terrible torture and perish on the cross of crucifixion. Not because you chose him but because because he chose you! I believe those words are some of the most powerful in the Bible simply because they express how deeply God loves us. That love is so deep and beyond understanding that death could not conquer it.

The Cross is a theme that is highly neglected in a Christians life, and yet it is because of the Cross that we are saved! If Jesus never died and rose from death would we be here waiting to be saved? No we’d be here waiting for eternal damnation because none of our deeds or sacrifices could save us. In fact we have done nothing in the plan of salvation other than be helpless sinners, who desperately needed some divine being to step in and help us out. It occurred to me the other night that even though the ancient Israelites sacrificed to atone for their sins, the very act was a symbol of Christ who would be become the slain Lamb of God. Their forgiveness however which came from sacrifice (before the time of Christ) was out of the fact that we have a very merciful God who was willing to forgive his people.

But in the end man could not redeem themselves, in the end no amount of slain lambs or goats or cattle could free us from the wrath of sin and death. The blood of animals could not wash away the gravity of the worlds iniquity. In the end it wasn’t we who gave the sacrifice to God for our sin but rather God giving the sacrifice for our sin.

Let’s think about that for a moment. Sin came into the world because man disobeyed God. Our natures become corrupt and our desires perverted to things unnatural and carnal. And instead of improving we fell lower and lower and lower into the carnal mindset and into the claws of evil. We had become so self absorbed and heathen that we would not have recognized we needed Salvation or a sacrifice for atonement of sin. In fact the pagan tribes of Old I’m sure would not understand what the word “original sin” meant!

And yet God set apart a nation for himself in order to teach them his ways and also a nation in which he could place his son, and what is more amazing is that the Lord himself knew his own people would reject him. However the purpose in which he came went through anyways because he saw what all of the Jews and surrounding nations could not see, which were people all around the earth that never knew him but would eventually come to know him through his Cross and because of their faith be saved. In the end, God himself gave the sacrifice of atonement, not man, in fact God himself became the sacrifice of atonement because nothing that we could do would ever be enough to atone for the evil in the world. Even angels who offered themselves to Christ in his place were refused because even an angels death would not be enough to cleanse the sin of the world and overpower Satan.

So let us make the story of the Cross apart of our Christian meditation. Let us remember the gravity of the sacrifice made as the price paid was very high. Let us also thank Christ for giving us the opportunity to be with him and to have our sins forgiven through his blood. Because now it’s our turn “You didn’t chose me, I chose you.”

Divinity of Christ

Out of all the religions of this present age and out of all the belief systems of the pagan nations of eras of old only one deity has endured the test of time which is our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

There is no other deity in history that has survived as long as the God of Israel, the pagan gods throughout history have been forgotten and laid waste along with their inventors, who made graven images with their hands instead of raising their attention to the living God that does not die along with a nation. Nations have build idols and with the nations death their idols die with them but with God who is the creator of Nations never dies, nor does his memory fade away with a people.

The ever present and enduring influence of the living God has done above and beyond his part to prove his divine nature to the masses. He (of course) never had to prove anything to anyone, but because of his mercy and grace he (throughout time) has sent fourth prophets to warn his people of their wayward ways and to prophesy their coming Salvation through the arriving Messiah. But once the prophesied Immanuel had come unto his own nation, his nation rejected him as Isaiah had foretold.(Isaiah 53:1)

Yet although he was rejected as the Messiah by the Jewish people, the plan of his sacrifice for man was carried out on the Cross and the story of redemption through faith in him by his blood alone spread throughout the Gentile peoples and hence the entire world.

Now, consider this? How many deities of the ancient world have spread throughout the entire world and not only spread but endured century after century unto the present day? Not one! Not one of the Greek gods so esteemed by her people is remembered by the modern psyche, nor are the idols of Venus or any other Roman god remembered with reverence in the modern mind. But the lowly carpenter of Nazareth is worshiped worldwide as he truly is….the precious Lamb of God after his death and resurrection two thousand years ago.

If there was no divinity in Christ than why wasn’t he forgotten? Many died the death of crucifixion, so why was his remembered? He was deemed a criminal by his own people, so were others….but why were the false accusations against him recorded? It could be because there were fulfilling prophecy that had been told for hundreds of years before they actually occurred in the flesh. Yes, in the flesh, because that is what Christ did after his gruelling three (and a half) year ministry. He crucified sin in the flesh.

“He had followers!” Some claim “They kept his memory alive.”

True enough he did have followers, disciples who travelled with him during his ministry. But when they saw that he had died the death of the cross they went home, sad, distraught until Christ appeared before them after his resurrection in the Upper Room, vibrant, alive, glowing with divinity and going very soon back to the Father.

If he had not appeared to them, they would have doubted him would they have not? Thomas doubted. He said himself he would not believe until he saw Christ and the wounds on his hands and the pierce in his side. If Christ had not appeared to them alive and divine. That would have been the end of Jesus and his message, but it wasn’t the end in fact it was only the beginning because the disciples went out unto the world to preach that they have seen and known the Lord (of everything.) The Alpha and the Omega, the wonderful counselor, the Prince of Peace.

If the story of Christ was merely one of human invention it would grow old and die with his followers. However because Christ lives and the Spirit of truth dwells among us, his pleading to us has been constant and enduring Century after Century and those who search the scriptures with diligence find that the testimony of Christ through the Spirit is more powerful than anything humanity can give.

If the story of Christ was merely a human invention why do you think thousands of people have died for his sake? If it is only a story why perish and be tortured? If it is only a story why not recant and spare ones suffering? That is because once you have tasted the truth you cannot let it go. After you have trusted Christ your confidence and trust in man shatters and you can only trust in the God who cannot lie and has not lied since the world began.

After the Spirit has convicted you and you have repented and felt the redemption of his precious blood, the truth of HIM has set you free and you are no longer bound to the deceptions of the evil one and the lure of the riches of this world no longer appeals to you because you know that even if you lay down your life for Christ you have not lost it but will get it back eternally on the last day!

It is the Spirit of truth that once welcomed into ones heart, one can not argue with it and he will teach you, comfort you and guide you to the Holy One of God. It is he that kept thousands strong in the faith when they faced death. It is he that has made Christ known to them and has strengthened them in times of trouble. It is he who assures that what Christ has said is true and has lead them to life and away from the wiles of the devil and death.

It is he who is still pleading to those who do not believe hoping that none should be lost! The God of Israel has not faded from memory because we are not the inventors of him, but he instead is the inventor of us.

No human hand could make the story of Christ’s salvation flourish on his own, that was the Spirit. No human hand could make it stretch the world over and remain in the people’s psyches for centuries after century.

No mortal soul could withstand the terror in which it was faced when faced with the persecutions of those who hate God. Their conscience had been sealed with Christ’s glory and truth and they knew when they met their end that one day they would glory with their creator forever in the heavens and with angels and unspoken things the mind cannot imagine. The endurance of the story of Christ is Spirit lead and not fable. If one opens the Bible with a tender heart and a receptive mind he will come to you and if you welcome him he will make his home in you and bring to remembrance everything the Bible has said and testify it’s truth to you.

There is no other deity or divinity other than Jesus Christ. There is no other truth than his. Amen.